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Resurrection [25 Apr 2005|03:51am]

Anybody with a credit/debit card who is 18+ and feels like helping a sistah out, please leave me a comment.
3 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

[01 Mar 2005|12:58am]
I've already added people...
So if you've seen an addition to your friends list.. it's just me.

Add me.
...Or not.


Go to my new journal... you know you want to see more of this Zombie.
1 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

[24 Feb 2005|02:44am]
[ mood | gone ]

It's been fun.
Really, it has.

A few months shy of a year...

What a fucking commitment.

No no... of course this isn't the end...
There'll be another one up and running shortly.

If I don't find you first,
I'm sure you'll find me.

* * *

Farewell Mr. Rauis.

7 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

[23 Feb 2005|12:17pm]
Mr. E Leon Rauis would say
it's sentiment which he abhors.
Regretfully so he still wants you to know of the
things in his heart he can't say.
His penmenship does a disservice,
It's illegible to this day.

Oh, Mr. E. Leon Rauis believe me
I hope it all turned out O.K.
To be or not to be?

[22 Feb 2005|11:18pm]
[ mood | AMAZING ]


[Prepare for fangirlism to the fucking max]

I've been avoiding going to the MSI website because I love waiting a really long time from each visit so I can find a pleasant surprise with a new update. Well to my fucking amazing surprise... There was a shitload of awesome update.

And for the best fucking news in the whole motherfucking goddamn world:


Can we say amazing fucking birthday surprise or what?

Track ListingsCollapse )

I obviously intend on getting both and quite possibly the vinyl if I can. They've started touring again which means I'm going to be making a road trip to either Mass. or NY (depending on if my car can handle it / if Daddy will be willing to sport me some cash or maybe let me borrow one of the cars).

Jesus Christ am I fucking excited.
I caaaaaaaaaaaaan't fuccccccccccccccking waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait.

My absolute favourite band is releasing a CD before the worst day of the year, and two days later I'm going to fucking NYC.

::does a little dance::


4 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

[13 Feb 2005|10:46am]
[ mood | crotch explody ]

My vagina is spewing blood.
I just thought I'd let everyone know.

18 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

[13 Feb 2005|02:29am]
I loathe you all.
1 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

[12 Feb 2005|10:34am]
[ mood | scared ]

Last night is awarded to the worst nightmare of my entire life.
I've been up for twenty minutes now and I'm still shaking and crying.
I don't want to sleep anymore.
Not anymore.
No more nightmares.
Not like that.

* * *

rainbow ballons
madison building
top floor
me and a black guy
rubbing his head
foot long penis
out on the streets
we get mauled
in my house
we get ten seconds to become the ultimate warrior
looking like zombies
if you dont make it out of the house in ten seconds the eprson behind you kills you
i couldnt make it out
it was impossible
the cord lead nowhere
i begged not to die
benicio del toro was behind me?
someone else
i'mmm still begging
i run
he catches up
i try climbing
he throws me to the ground
The head guy comes
He loves me
I dont want to become one of them
this all takes place in my bathroom
is it a cult?
a cyborg race?
im crying and scared
she (the one who looks like mila jovovich) hates me
she says i have no choice
the others agree
they worry about my credit card
i tell them that people will miss me
and will start looking for me
he says it's time
we sit on the edge of the tub
he holds my hand
computer screen flashes
strange voice
love persverence
i pull my hand away and want to run
is it over?
he holds me tight
she tells me i can run
im still in the bathroom with them
why the hell is this happening?
the master and leader finally sends something
one of the others reads his out loud
his new name is aaron
i get mine
they tell him that it was a horrible idea
i should have been killed
they tell me that im already causing trouble
i was poking fun at them
at their lifestyle
their world
i dont want to be around for this
i get up to run
she says run
i go
he shakes his head
i try
im in the hallway and i get electrocuted
i notice theres a chip in my back
"I'm going to be killed arent I?"
She laughs and asks what I think.
He sighs and says eventually you'll die
Hopefully not be killed
I see myself in the kitchen
I tell them that none of it's real
I look again
The world is dead and gray
I go back to them.
im crying
i sit in the tub
he holds my hand
theyre letting him be her father
i hear them say
since his love for the lass is so apparent
im so scared
i start shaking
and snap
the cots
it's time for bed
we need to make the ultimate warriors
we need to fight
we need to die
the cots
i tell them how it's going to be
they listen
im scared
he holds my hand
its time for our first night
we lie down
an alarm goes off
everyone is panicing
somethings wrong
somethings wrong

......The nightmare's over.

2 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

[12 Feb 2005|02:04am]

Add us!

Nicole (thingsbehindsun) and I have created a joint journal (because we're dirty whores and wanted a paid journal) and we're going to be writing in it.

So whether you're a friend of mine (or Nicole's) add us!

Even if you don't feel so inclined to add us, still go to the journal because...

You can send me text messages!

And I love getting text messages.

-Cari (I.E: Zombie)

P.S: Add us!
To be or not to be?

To you... [11 Feb 2005|12:59pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

So my head gets a little cloudy
And the drink goes straight to my heart
The the words come like a runaway train in the dark
Just hold on love
Even when I scream and fight
Even when I swear I don't love you
Just hold on tight
And when the darkness falls over
Like a storm cloud in my head
Something inside says it's easier
To push you away but stay
Hold on love
Even when I cry all night
Even when I swear I don't love you
Just hold on love

* * *

It takes a lot for me to be the bigger person, and you know that.
I keep the phone by my side and watchful eye out for the computer.
I've just been tired.
And I told you once that I wasn't going to bother you with my bullshit.
And I kept that promise.

A million and one times I've told you that I'm nothing and there are a million and one other people you can befriend and who would love you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Because I don't and I don't think I will ever be able to treat you decently. I'm an asshole at heart, I'm manic, and I've got more baggage than a fucking airport. I'd apologize but how many time have I said the same words over and over again? Are they meaningless now? I'm sure they are.

I'm sure much of what I say doesn't mean a whole lot anymore.

I'm just the girl who cried wolf.
So don't believe me.
Don't trust me.
Don't bother.

I have an IM box pulled up all the time thinking of something to say, but I won't IM you and I won't call and I won't go over because it's just going to be the same as it always is. I'll tell you the same thing, you'll tell me the same thing, and we'll go on to the next day. Everything is on repeat. C'est la vie though. Oh well though.

Not only am I the problem, but you made me so fucking upset.
You left a comment in his journal saying you want to hang out.
That bothered me for two reasons.
One... well... what's the use of telling you? You'll just "sigh" and tell me "yeah".
The other one is I know what's going to happen.
And I know how much pain you went through with him before.
You're almost as fucking masochistic as I am.
And I'm trying to spare you from that.
You don't understand how bad it hurts to be there.
And I don't want that for you.
I don't want you to turn into me.
I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I don't know.
I don't know.

I hatelovelovehate you.
I wonder if you'll even read this..

1 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

[11 Feb 2005|02:02am]
[ mood | dreaming of sunny days ]

It seems to me that places where the sun is always shining and the grass is always green are nothing more than a figment of my imagination. I know these places only from storybooks and motion pictures. I know them from pictures and fairytales.

But I don't know if they're real.

And I just need to know.

I need to know that outside of these borders lie a land where the sun pours down on it every day and where you never have to worry about not wearing flipflops because every day is a flipflop kind of day. I need to know that outside of these snow covered streets there's a place where you can roll around in the grass in December or July because you can barely tell the difference between the months.

Maybe it's just a Californian dream I've been dreaming, because I know there are some such places.

A year ago next week I was dancing barefoot on the beach falling head over heels in love with the sun, but now it doesn't seem like I was there. Now it seems as though I've become a prisoner in this snow.

I remember when I was younger thinking how amazing it would be to wake up every morning with the sun shining and never having to worry about getting "winter clothes". Being able to drive around with the windows permanently open...

I don't know. I'm just rambling.

Winter has never failed to bring me to the darkest of places.
And I know that winter doesn't last forever...
But it seems like it.
It really, really does.
And I couldn't take a permanent winter.

...I'm just tired of this city, of this state, of this winter, of the snow, of the cold, of these walls, of these words, of these fingers.

It's 58 degrees in L.A right now.
It's 26 degrees in little L.A right now.

Tonight has turned into one of those nights that I ponder packing up and just going. No destination... just west. Where the sun is.

Maybe I'm just being childish having these thoughts of 'running away'.
But it's not 'running away'.
No sir.
It'd be 'running to'.

This state is depressing.
It's no wonder why so many people who live in Maine commit suicide.
It's really not.

* * *

The snow has accumulated so much that I cannot open the door to get out of the house.

8 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

[11 Feb 2005|12:32am]
I love symmetry.
Symmetry has not loved me.

I've decided to retire a few of my piercings and start over.

So if you see me please no remarks about my increasing lack of piercings.

Even the elder of my ear piercings need to go.

2 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

[10 Feb 2005|07:59am]
[ mood | Just slept for 12 hours ]

I'm a Fabulous Faggot!

I'm a Fabulous Faggot! I’m the epitome of over the top breathtakingly extravagant faggot chic. I dance like a big queer demon, although I am more concerned about being seen than actually enjoying myself. I probably wear feathers. Jesus Christ.

What kind of Faggot are you?
Brought to you by Pushing Through</a>

I dance like a big queer demon.

I never take horribly lame quizzes anymore, but I found it thoroughly amuzing that I would get that of all types of...faggots.
2 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

[09 Feb 2005|06:50am]
Please could you stay awhile to share my grief for it's such a lovely day to have to always feel this way, and the time that I will suffer less is when I never have to wake.

(Don't wake me up, please.)
1 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

[02 Feb 2005|03:09pm]
Attitude doesn't work for everyone.
You need a fucking fan club first.
(And you can't be the president)

Panic! makes quite a morning cocktail of insecurity..

I'm fucking laughing on the inside.
I am.

It's a new medium pleasure to re-take and re-shoot only to pull focus before distribution..

It's the same haircut.
It's the same holier-than-thou.
It's the same goddamn song.

Screen life! You went looking for a good time!
5 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

[24 Jan 2005|12:18am]
Denn die Todten reiten schnell

I'm beginning to think that I really may be crazy. Stark-raving mad. Absolutely fucking insane.

I mustn't speak of these things.
I mustn't speak of them to anyone.
2 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

[19 Jan 2005|01:15am]
[ mood | guilty ]

I don't expect things to remain the same.
I don't expect this newfound knowledge to leave.
I don't expect a reconciliation.

I don't expect much of anything at this point.

Sometimes you lose yourself, and sometimes you find yourself.
And sometimes...

Something unexpected finds you first.

* * *

It only takes one minute and six seconds to bring me crashing down.

Next time let's try for a minute seven..

* * *

The ocean is a fuck of a long way to swim.

To be or not to be?

[18 Jan 2005|01:17pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I'm beginning to thoroughly amaze myself.

What I did this morning I never thought I'd do.
But I did it.
(Of course there is a price)
((But I'm willing to pay it... just today, though))
(((After all, I'm not broke)))

* * *

I wonder how she is..

To be or not to be?

[17 Jan 2005|10:31pm]
I never took the time to stop and realize that death takes many forms... even while alive.
To be or not to be?

[07 Jan 2005|10:58pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I think it was when I was in my car...
Driving down the connecter with music
blasting as loud as it could...
Wearing my black pants and shirt...
Name tag and tie...
Reeking of popcorn, sticky with soda...

That I realized that I've grown up.

Wasn't I just at recess?
Wasn't I just laughing at the thought of growing up?

* * *

Someone tell me when I went from child to borderline adult.

7 Answered the question // To be or not to be?

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